Smackdown: Cheesesteak

Captain Harvey’s

Basics: The good captain offers passengers the choice of either American or provolone cheese, but that won’t matter. To torture the nautical analogy further, your cheese will be a lifeboat swimming in an ocean of meat. Cap’n Harvey’s cheesesteak is less cheesesteak and more a plate filled with meat and soggy bread. Oh, and the works—mayonnaise, tomatoes, pickles, onions, lettuce and hots—are lost at sea somewhere in that mess. If we can’t pick up a sub to eat it, what's the point of calling it a sub?

Damage: This sea monster blows a hole in the starboard side of your wallet to the tune of $13.89. Compare price to quantity, though, and you'll come out ahead with Loch Ness monster-sized portions at (relatively) Nemo-sized prices.

Decision: Metromix heartily recommends the Captain Harvey cheesesteak, especially if you plan on being trapped in a lifeboat for a week with little chance of rescue. The massive sub will sustain you, and perhaps even a tiger named Richard. But for a quality meal, Cap’n Crunch might be a better choice than Captain Harvey’s.